Hi. Are you thinking of me? Because this morning has me feeling you.
You’re out there; so close I can almost feel your hand on mine as I begin to write this morning. It’s odd to feel you so near and not even know your name. But you’re there. I know it. I know you. I know how you feel.
I’ve been working on this collection of essays that tell the story of the past year. Earlier today someone asked me what it was about and I thought about how I could express it in a single sentence.
“It tells the story of someone learning to love and be loved.”
And that’s what it is. It’s about all the people who led me to you. All the pieces of the puzzle who helped put me back together and get me to the place I am now. I didn’t know what to expect when I came out the other side of broken and healing but here I am.
It’s different than what I imagined. I love my life in a way I didn’t know was possible. I love people differently too. I think I love them stronger but with a flexibility that allows for the natural ebb and flow loving someone must. What I truly didn’t expect was to miss you like I do.
How do you miss someone you don’t know and haven’t met and hope exists?
I wish people could experience it like I feel it. I catch glimpses of you in the almost versions of you that seem to fill my everydays. Hints of you. A half smile. That certain look when I do something silly. An unparalleled level of nerding out over _______.
But they aren’t you. I know. I KNOW. I dream about you and I know what you feel like.
And, baby, I miss you. AND, YES, I’M TAKING BACK THAT WORD. It’s just a fucking word and no one gets to steal it from me. I miss you on a soul level. I’m whole without you and I’m building a life that truly does not need you in it. I’m creating something beautiful which, though tiny, is already impacting people’s lives.
I can do this on my own. I know how to walk dark roads without losing my footing and even if I do…I’ve learned how to get back up and keep walking. I’m strong and fierce. I’ve slayed dragons and reached into the throats of monsters to take back the voice they stole from me. I’m powerful and wild.
I am enough. I am whole.
And now I’d like to invite you into my life. I want you to join me. Come stand next to me. Come walk beside me. Let’s build something together. Let’s push each other further and forward and on. Let’s be more together. I’ll be ready when you are.
Come, love, it’s time. I have enough pictures without you in them.
P.S. If you’re reading this, love you already. Mean it.